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Let Go

There’s no way to understand all the insanity inside of my head.
Voices scream my name, they try to make me comprehend.
I lose myself to them slowly slipping away,
Darkness envelopes me and I welcome its stay.

I can’t express this pain, in rhyme or reason.
It isn’t simply passing of the season,
this sickness is real, merely denied by those close to me.
I wish you saw the pain, understood my crying screams.

Forget about the lies, forget about the time.
There needs to be release to this everlasting Night.
I’ve accepted it as thus, a life among us;
Serpentine and his friends that I trust.

Emotion does not bring itself to my humble abode.
Expression has failed me time and again.
Art the escape, a friend I lost along the way,
Talents given away, not reclaimed to this day.

The Devil calls to me, waiting for my stay.
As tempting as it is, I must refrain.
But what is the point? God is not in my Faith.
I hold on to what’s left, grasping for ends of strings.

No longer does anything have sense
I’m falling deep into the Abyss.
A self created mishap inside my mind,
I let go of all that once felt right.

Author’s note: Excuse my drunkenness, this is the only way emotion comes forth from me these days.

End It

Like trying to escape a whirlwind of debris
life isn’t worth much more to me.
I lose sight of everything
while those around me sing merrily.

You don’t know, you don’t try to understand.
Every last bit of self loathing I withstand.
This state of emptiness, nothing within,
I feel like its time to just make it end.

I try to cope, I tried the meds
but nothing fixes my head.
The pain inside is not worth my time.
Someone, please end my lowly life.

Blue Fire – Writing Challenge

Just wanted to give a huge thanks to Ckye for dropping me into an amazing writing challenge and giving me some kind words on my blog. If you missed it, here’s what Ckye said in my nomination:

Serpentine is Here, which has some pretty cool free writing–I like the blog’s dark tone and that he wants to build a community 🙂

Very awesome, and seeing this (though months after the fact) has inspired me to withdraw once more from my dark pit of depression and lethargy to write once more.

So, here’s my contribution to the challenge (I’ll post the rules below, and tag in some of my favorite bloggers):

Stricken in the night by a flash of blue. Intriguing, to say the least. I feel lost in the whirlwind of effervescence that is the subconscious mind. Bubbling existential questioning at every turn. The mind fabricates the lies in which my previous body has proclaimed.

I find myself following the light, caught in its trance. What it is, I am not sure. Do I fear it? No. Am I hesitant? Naturally. As I take myself towards the source of this blue flash, I feel my soul yearning for the answer which I have sought so long. What is the point? Where was my purpose? Most importantly – what is this place?

Caught in the midst of eternity between two lifes, I am a slave to neither damnation nor salvation. Death has not found me yet, despite my physical form’s passing. Where is He? Where can I find the release. It is best to be eternally damned than eternally questioning.

I get closer to the source of this brightness in the plane of Nothing. I remember something, a memory almost. It is like a faint cry in the Night. I hear her voice, and feel a sense of pain that I haven’t felt in years. What I had done was a crime upon nature. The Law of Man was always trivial, but the Law of Nature is one that you cannot escape. It rubs against the grain of our very existence.

As I get closer, the memories become greater. Flashes of suffering and harm that I had inflicted upon my loves. I hear the children, the screams of the unborn that I had so disgracefully ripped from the womb. Empty false promises, my entire purpose on Earth had been its own fallacy. I beg for apology, and realize the light in which I am being sucked towards is not one of redemption, but one of everlasting non-forgiveness.

I feel my lost soul weep into the Abyss, begging itself to be released and saved. A man of God, I never was, nor was I a man of the beliefs in which I identified. Having no moral compass is the ultimate sin among the Law of Nature.

Now, I have arrived. The light is a tiny, yet all-bright Blue Fire. It whispers to me and calls my name…not just my temporal, third-dimensional name. My true name. The name that represents my part in the existential whole. The blue flame reaches out and goes deep into my soul, reminding me of all I had done, all I had wrought upon society and it’s people.

Why am I this way? Can I please be saved? I ask it.

The flame grows, almost angrily. It consumes my soul, and I feel my connection to the third dimension severed, and it is relief like none other. Like taking a nap that you needed after a week of little sleep. I feel as my soul slips into Darkness, losing its existence.

So this is damnation. Non awareness. I feel surreal as the concept of being conscious leaves my soul, and forever I know in this last second that I am nothing but a mere floating husk.

Word Count = 527 words, Time = 10 minutes 15 seconds

Just like Cyke says in the original post, I as well “cringe when I reread what I just wrote.” However, I must say Cyke has nothing to cringe about! Very talented writer, check out her blog!

  1. Strangers and Poetry – very fantastic, active blogger and poet!
  2. Julian Broadway – A good friend of mine in real life, has a very similar writing style to me as well! If you like what I post here on Serpentine is Here, you’ll definitely dig what Julian is doing.
  3. Northern Nevermore – Though its been a while, I consider Northern Nevermore one of my best friends online. We’ve both been through stuff, and has had my back through a lot!
  4. Two on a Rant – a fun and quirky blog, I always see these guys taking on challenges! Welcome to your next one 😉
  5. Exposed Emotions – a hint of Darkness, with a compelling attention to poetic detail. One of the most refined poets I’ve found out there.

The Free Style Writing Challenge Rules:

  1. Set a stop watch or your mobile to 5 minutes or 10 minutes whichever challenge you think you can beat.
  2. Your topic is at the foot of this post BUT DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TO SEE IT UNTIL YOU ARE READY WITH A TIMER.
  3. Fill the word doc with as many words as you want. Once you began writing do not stop even to turn.
  4. Do not cheat by going back and correcting spellings and grammar with spell check in MS WORD (it is only meant for you to reflect on your own control of sensible thought flow and for you to reflect on your ability to write the right spelling and stick to grammar rules)
  5. You may or may not pay attention to punctuation and capitals. However, if you do, it would be best.
  6. At the end of your post write down ‘Word count =_____’ so that we would have an idea of how much you can write within the time frame.
  7. Do not forget to copy paste the entire passage on your blog post with a new topic for your nominees and copy paste these rules with your nominations (at least 5 bloggers).

Go ahead and accept the challenge! If you do, drop a link to this post or my main blog so that I can see what you guys have come up with! Can’t wait to see some great contact from you guys!

Here’s your new topic: RED FACE

Her Eyes

Her eyes gaze upon mine
Those oceans with waves
reminding me of great times.
They keep me sane,
despite dreaming of my grave.

She saves me in my worst,
and holds my hand through the Mist.
I can’t find my way when it hurts,
but she shines, a beacon when my soul is missed.

I often lose sight
of the things most important,
so please come to enlighten
my soul that alcohol courts.

Lost in my own Dark,
please bring me your light.
Sometimes I forget to talk,
and you patiently wait that I might.

I apologize,
but know
there are no lies.
I get lost in your eyes.

Rescue

I could scream in your ear
and you still wouldn’t hear
my desperate cries for your help
despite your asking what I felt.

Its like every day that goes by
my voice increasingly withers and dies
leaving empty trails of my presence
that lead to my place in the heavens.

Seconds growing harder than before,
I search among every internet forum
looking for answers in the mid of the night
only to find none that will end this cruel fight.

It seems like the answer is staring
at me in the face glaringly,
I want to end this suffering
unless someone would just help me.

I need a rescue from the depths of my mind.
My ego is growing, day break and day’s night.
Its consuming my soul, and I can no longer bear it
so my last words are, “I wish you had cared.”

Why are you here?

Why do you stay
through the worst of my demons?
Why do you love me
even when your patience is wearing thin?
Why do you care
when all others have thrown me to the wind?
Why do you understand
when even my family tells me its in my head?
Why do you nurture me
when I need you desperately from day’s beginning to end?
Why do you hold me
when my sweat is dry and I smell from the heat outside?
Why do you make love
when my body is out of shape, and I sometimes lose my breath?
Why are you here
when my soul screams for help, and the cure seems nowhere near?

Help

I really feel that with every week, my Pure-O OCD gets worse and worse (Pure-O is intrusive and obsessional thoughts that have purely mental compulsions). Anytime I am alone, I have an onslaught of intrusive thoughts that I cannot shake. I desperately search internet threads in hopes of a cure, and there seems to be nothing.

It will detriment my relationship in the long run. It is breaking me down more and more as time goes on, and it is getting so bad that I am beginning to have suicidal thoughts. I won’t take action on those thoughts, but they are definitely there.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to talk to anyone for fear of being judged. My partner is aware of these intrusive thoughts, but I can only have her shoulder so much before it drives her mad as well.

Someone, please help me.

Learn How to Be

Lost in the depths of time
we begin to lose our sight,
a whirlwind squeezing us tight,
forever bound together all through the night.

I see those eyes,
an escape of mine.
They reveal the light
and ease the fight.

A turmoil found within
She relieves yet again,
the answer to my wish
like a shooting star through the mist.

I ask for her to forgive,
but she stops me before I begin
to utter those words ingrained within
my Being from the past’s suffering.

“Stop,” says she, “there’s nothing to be
sorry for anymore, its just you and me.”
I look back upon her, a tear breaks free,
my spirit no longer weeps, just knows how to Be.

A Curse Long Forgotten

It’s like a thousand screaming voices,
all competing to be heard.
They haunt me in the day
and murder my soul in the night.

Inflicting a world of trauma
onto the spirit which hosts them,
they disregard human condition
and distort all realism there is.

Fantasizing fantasies that aren’t fantasies nice,
they play the same images over and over
relentless in their nature, they murder my
spirit and lead me to question my sanity.

Maybe just a bullet to the head
will solve all the pain that they bear,
silencing these thousands screaming
for me to snap and give in to their will.

Closer to giving in, day by day
I find myself listening to what they say;
they have some form of reason,
what they say isn’t out of believing.

These images are a curse of artistic infliction.
I may be a creative one, I may pen a great story,
but it all comes from a pain that you can’t even explain.
None will ever understand, my demons haunt me early to late.

Not even creativity, an interpretation on subconscious reality,
I pen the thoughts and beings that exist within me
these words are a world very real inside my mind,
they aren’t just fictional beings I created one night.

They’ve been with me for years, all forty thousand I hear.
Serpentine stays within me, taking control here and there.
It becomes more frequent with love, as if happiness is a curse.
The voices flare up with my joy, the two partners in crime.

She hates when I mention its back,
the Darkness seeping into my mind
finding its way through the cracks.
Contemplated suicide, I’m on my last.

This was a curse long forgotten,
a demon I thought I had buried.
I forgot of its power
now it returns to me this hour.